What this is
Connect is about social presence you can actually feel. Think "come-over" energy: warm, unforced, and somehow the conversation gets better. This isn't about performing or being "on"—it's about showing up as yourself.
When you're stuck in your head during social situations—worrying about what to say, how you look, whether you're doing it "right"—you're not present. Your nervous system is in threat mode, scanning for danger instead of connecting. Connect helps you shift from self-monitoring to outward attention.
Real connection happens when nervous systems can sync. When you feel safe enough to be real, and the people around you feel that safety too, something shifts. The conversation flows. You remember why you like being around people.
Science in 5 bullets
Social anxiety mechanisms: Threat response and self-focus keep you stuck in your head. When you're monitoring yourself, you can't connect with others.
Co-regulation: Nervous systems sync with each other. When someone feels safe and present, it helps you feel safe too. This is why some people "feel safe" instantly.
Oxytocin and bonding: Trust and connection release oxytocin, which supports social bonding. But this requires safety first—you can't force it.
Alcohol as counterfeit connection: Alcohol reduces inhibition, but it also reduces presence. The "open" feeling often comes with regret later, and it doesn't build real connection.
Presence vs performance: Real connection requires presence—being here, now, with the people you're with. Performance (trying to be interesting, funny, perfect) blocks connection.
Evidence Notes
- TODO: Add citation for social anxiety mechanisms and threat response
- TODO: Add citation for co-regulation and nervous system synchronization
- TODO: Add citation for oxytocin and bonding in social connection
- TODO: Add citation for alcohol impact on presence and connection
- TODO: Add citation for self-focus vs outward attention in social situations
What helps / what backfires
What helps
- Pre-social routines that calm your nervous system
- Arrival practices (first 5 minutes at an event)
- Shifting attention from self to others
- Creating physical safety cues (comfortable space, familiar people)
- Practicing presence (noticing what's actually happening)
- Post-social decompression (processing without overthinking)
What backfires
- Using alcohol to "loosen up" (reduces presence)
- Trying to be perfect or interesting (performance mode)
- Staying stuck in your head (self-monitoring)
- Avoiding social situations entirely (reinforces anxiety)
- Comparing yourself to others
- Ignoring your need for alone time
GK Routine
Pre-social: Calm your system
About 30–60 minutes before social plans, do something that helps you feel grounded. A walk, breathing practice, or gentle movement can shift you from threat mode to safety.
Arrive: The first 5 minutes
When you arrive, don't jump into conversation immediately. Take a moment to notice the space, the people, the energy. Let your nervous system settle.
Shift attention outward
Instead of monitoring yourself ("Am I doing this right?"), focus on others. What are they saying? How do they seem? Genuine curiosity breaks the self-focus loop.
Be present, not perfect
You don't need to be interesting, funny, or perfect. You just need to be here. Real connection happens when people feel safe enough to be real with each other.
Post-social: Process gently
After social time, give yourself space to decompress. Some alone time, gentle movement, or quiet can help you process without overthinking.
Related Reading
Frequently Asked Questions
These practices are meant to support social presence and connection, not replace therapy or medical care. If you're experiencing severe social anxiety or other mental health concerns, please consult a healthcare provider.